Block
by Kimiko1
Summary: Crossover/AU, set in a skewed version of reality. Kimiko has writer's block. How to shift it...? FANFICTION.NET EXCLUSIVE! You WILL NOT find this fic on my website or in any archive, ever!


**Author:** Kimiko   
**Title:** Block   
**Rating:** PG for use of mild expletives   
**Series:** None, I pray   
**Summary:** Kimiko has writer's block. How to shift it...?   
**Warnings:** Big, giant crossover. Humour/Parody. AU. Slash, highly nonexplicit. Duct tape.   
**Disclaimer:** None of the characters depicted herein, save Kimiko herself, belong to the author. The author humbly acknowledges the godly powers of the persons and institutions to whom they do belong, and begs mercy from their wrath. She's only having a bit of fun, honest!

**A/N:** Blackish Pink and Everything You Want are down, due to evilness on the part of 0catch - one day all the files were just gone. As there will not be a third chapter of "Dream" until I have the cash to purchase a domain and can reinstate the sites, I thought I would post this to tide people over. Strictly speaking should probably have put it in "Crossovers", but I decided against it for a variety of reasons. Pardon Kurt's accent - or, actually, lack thereof - because I would rather not write it than butcher it beyond recognition. Credit where it's due: As far as I know, the concept of the Crossover Police belongs to Siubhan. At least, she's where I saw it - Sith Academy, the one where Darth Maul gets his Apprentice.

  
Kimiko sat back in her chair (to which, incidentally, she was duct-taped), folding her arms and glaring balefully at her Writer's Block.

In so doing she paused to whisper conspiratorially to the readers, "I saw someone else do this type of fic once in Gundam W fandom." She snapped back to her previous position, narrowing her eyes. 

The Block, it is certain, would have glared right back if it were possible to do so. Having no eyes, of course, it could not glare; what it could do was stand around looking imposing and block Kimi's creative flow. It wasn't huge - maybe a meter and a half high, two tops, and not half as wide - but it was big enough. Though painted a delicate shade of blue and festively adorned with a small, hand-made dream catcher, it wasn't fooling anyone.

Kimiko growled at the Block. It remained unimpressed.

Finally she sighed and turned away, rather sulkily. "Hey Harlan," she called, "Radu! Since you two've seen to it that I'm, for all intents and purposes, immobile [1] - one of you come and shift this frelling Block!"

"You can't say 'frelling'," said Officer Peter Venkman of the Volunteer Reserve Crossover Police, who had just arrived.

Kimiko pointed up the page. "Sure I can. Fic's labelled 'crossover'. I can do as I please."

"You don't even _write_ in Farscape fandom!" said Peter. "Not to mention Real Ghostbusters - _I_ shouldn't even be here!"

"Technically, since I'm a real person who actually watches Farscape and, on occasion, uses the expletive 'frell', I'm within my rights. I know the law." Kimiko grinned smugly. "You can be here under Chapter IX, Paragraph 118, because I'm on a RGB list. Besides, I like you. Did you bring Egon?"

"He most certainly did not," said Egon Spengler, popping into existence and looking disapproving. "I was forced to track him down." The Block caught his attention, and he blinked. "Peter, had you failed to observe the immense Writer's Block in this young woman's creative flow?"

Peter looked at the block. "Jesus, Spengs, maybe I would have, but I was kinda busy trying to get my job done as fast as possible." He turned to Kimiko. "Sorry about that, Kim - didn't realise this was a Blockfic. Carry on."

"Indeed." Egon pushed his spectacles firmly up the bridge of his nose. "We'll just be departing now. If I am not much mistaken there is a can of spray whipped topping which demands our immediate attention."

"I promised him I wouldn't work today," said Peter, by way of explanation. "You're my last stop."

"Peter," said Egon. "If you don't mind...?" He spared the Block a single piercing glare, and it actually shifted a bare inch, looking rather nervous. Then there was a muffled "bamf" and a fizz of pink, cherry-flavoured smoke as the pair disappeared.

"Wait!" said Kimiko. "Damn. I'll just bet he could have got rid of my Block."

"Wouldn't have helped," said Harlan (or rather, Kimi's Harlan muse) from the doorway. "Everything you wrote would be full of those million-dollar words he uses. Nobody would've been able to understand you."

Kimi blinked, then nodded. "Yeah, you're probably right. If I let him nix my Block, I would've had an Egon muse[2] to contend with. And as Peter so astutely observed, I do not write in that fandom."

"It's already begun!" exclaimed Radu, looping his arms around Harlan's waist and smooching him on the back of his neck.

Kimiko scowled. "Hey. I have a decent-sized vocabulary on my own, you know. Egon didn't cause that."

"Yeah," said Harlan, "but you don't usually talk like... Wait, yes you do."

"That's right, and don't you forget it." She looked smug for a moment, then remembered the point. "Now shift the damn Block."

"Right," said Harlan. "It's all yours, Radu."

The Andromedan let go his boyfriend and entered the room, bracing his weight against the Block and shoving with all his considerable might. The Block gave a low groan. There was a short space of time, in which nothing occurred whatsoever.

"I don't think it's working," said Radu.

"Push harder," suggested Kimiko.

"I thought I was pushing harder," Radu grumbled, but redoubled his efforts. The Block remained unmoved. "I still don't think it's working."

"I don't think it's _going_ to work," said Harlan.

Kimi thought for a moment. "You're probably right. It's a physical manifestation of a mental dilemma. A bit like clutter in Feng Shui."

"Fuh-whosiwhatnow?" said Radu, leaving off shoving against the Block.

"Feng Shui," said Kimiko, "Chinese furniture arrangements - though it's really more than that - I won't get into it." She paused. "I need to work through it in my mind. Pushing the Block isn't going to help."

"Couldn't you have realised that a bit sooner?" asked Radu, rubbing his shoulder.

"Oh." She blinked. "I'm terribly sorry. So - " and Kimiko clapped her hands - "what is it that's causing the Block? Let's brainstorm."

Harlan and Radu shared a Look. Kimiko was busy pulling a large pad of paper, a short collapsible easel and a big red marker out of Hammerspace. (She was entitled to use Hammerspace because she had used to write in anime fandom.) She set up the easel, placed the paper on it and began drawing a diagram of the room, with herself, Harlan and Radu as stick figures, and the Block with a large, frowny, glaring face.

"You want us to help you _think_?" said Radu, rather incredulously, at length.

"Sure," said Kimiko. "Canon be damned; I have faith in you guys. You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think." She paused. (She was doing that a lot, now.) "Though only that last one's relevant at this juncture." She tapped the diagram Block with the red marker. "What are we going to do about this?"

"'We'?" said Harlan.

"Yes, 'we'," Kimiko replied. "You want me to finish 'Dream' or not?"

"She makes a good point, Harlan," said Radu.

"Yeah, okay, fine," said Harlan, rolling his eyes. "Have you tried a rocket launcher?"

Kimi sighed, slightly exasperated. "Firstly, I've been duct-taped to a chair for the duration (and I don't suppose you'd free me, would you); and secondly, we've already discussed why physical means won't work."

"Oh," said Harlan, "yeah. (And, no, we won't.)"

"But if you'd come out with that sooner," she said, encouragingly, "I'd have been sure to try it. It's in the Slyth Rules [3], after all."

"Really?" Radu peered at the list [4] taped to the side of 'Mione's [5] CPU. "Huh."

Due to an unforseen plot hole, there was a second "bamf", this time accompanied by the acrid smell of brimstone. An extremely blue, furry person with a tail appeared on top of the Block, seated comfortably and dangling two-toed feet.

"What the hell is that?" said Harlan.

Kimiko spared him an annoyed glare over the top of her spectacles. "That isn't very nice, Harlan. Just because someone doesn't look like you, does not make him a 'that'. Did you learn nothing from 'Pocahontas'?" She turned to the blue mutant perched atop her Writer's Block. "What do you want, Kurt?"

"What the hell is _that_?" said Kurt, pointing at Radu.

"Argh!" Kimiko flung her hands up in the air. "Harlan, Kurt. Kurt, Harlan. Kurt is a mutant with nifty powers like the ability to teleport. Kurt, Radu. Radu, Kurt. Radu is an Andromedan with really sensitve hearing and a lot of physical strength."

"I'm also mildly psionic," said Radu helpfully.

"That's lovely, dear." Kimi would have patted him on the arm, had she been able to reach from where she was duct-taped. "Now. What do you _want_, Kurt?"

Kurt opened his mouth to speak, then stopped, apparently having forgotten what he had been about to say. "I don't remember. Do you have any food?"

She rolled her eyes. "Help yourself to anything in the fridge. Bova has. (I can't guarantee there's much left, but it's the thought that counts.)"

_Bamf!_ Kurt disappeared in more acrid smoke. "Hey," he called from the kitchen after a short pause, "there's nothing in here but a jug of milk and some old potatoes!"

Kimi sighed. "I told you Bova had been there. The early bird gets the worm." She fanned the smoke away from her immediate vicinity. "And stop bamfing. You're stinking up my house." She clapped her hands again. "Right! Where were we?"

Kurt hurtled down the stairs, glass of milk in hand. "I don't know," he said, "where were you?"

"I think," said Radu, "we were deciding a rocket launcher wouldn't be effective."

"Good point," said Kurt, looking at the Block. "That thing's not physical."

"Yes it is," said Radu fervently. Harlan gave him a sympathetic backrub.

"Not at its root, it isn't," Kurt maintained. "I mean, blowing it up wouldn't do anything."

"We've established that," said Kimiko. "I don't suppose you'd like to go grab me a granola bar, someone, anyone? No?" She sighed. "I'll wait, then. Forced imprisonment and hunger strike in the name of creativity. The things I do for fic..." Her voice trailed off into sullen mutterings.

"Bova ate all the granola bars," said Rosie helpfully, entering the room. "If you want a moldy potato, I could get you that."

"No, thanks anyway, hon," said Kimiko. She giggled. "Hon. Rosie." Broke out into full-on guffaws. "That's priceless! 'WHOOHAHAHAHOOH!' I kill myself..."

Everyone else exchanged puzzled, slightly fearful glances.

"I think she's finally snapped," said Harlan.

"No, no," said Kimiko, "you have to understand... You have to read _Redwall_. Well, not _Redwall_ - was it _Mariel_ or _Salamandastron_, or maybe _Mattimeo_...?"

There was a collective bemused blink.

"Never mind, I'd have to go and look," she said, frowning. "Since you won't let me, and I can't have anything to eat due to Bova (who, by the way, Rosie, was _your_ responsibility, and I expect you to bring him here so I can yell at him for eating me out of house and home), I had better figure out how to get _rid_ of this frelling thing!"

"You can't say - "

"Yes, I can," said Kimiko. "What are you, new?"

"Um. Yes," replied the rather large, somewhat scantily clad warrior-looking type taking up most of the space the Block left in the room. "Brand new. I just started last week. Why? I know my job." He glared and crossed his arms over his chest.

Kimiko sighed. "Look - Matthias, Rock, Scorpion-type guy, whatever you're going by these days - the Crossover Cops have already been through here. Didn't you check with your supervisor to see what had already been covered today?"

He opened his mouth, then shut it again, frowning. "Oops."

"Right," she said. "No harm, no foul. But don't do it again." Her eyes narrowed. "Don't suppose you know how to shift a Writer's Block, do you?"

"A what?"

She rolled her eyes. "Right, right, never mind."

"You'd just end up with a muse of him, anyway," said Harlan, looking Matthias nervously up and down.

"Don't mind," said Kimiko, grinning. "He's pretty. - Go on home, man. I'll contact you if I need to set up writer-muse relations."

Matthias blinked a couple of times, staring in bewilderment at 'Mione. "Farewell," he said at length, before disappearing in a second cloud of pink smoke whose scent effectively neutralised Kurt's brimstone.

"Who was that guy?" said Rosie. "He's big."

"That," said Kimiko, "was Matthias of Akkad, the Scorpion King. See the film. - Anyway, to business. How are we going to get rid of this thing? Anyone have any ideas?"

No-one seemed to have.

"Great," said Kimiko. She resumed staring at the Block. It resumed looking smug and staying squarely where it had been. "What am I going to do?" Kimiko moaned, burying her head in her hands. "I'm not going to be able to _eat_ - I'm going to _starve_ if I don't get this thing gone but fast!" She wracked her brain, seeking anything, any shred of a clue that would tell her how to shift her Block.

"VB!" she shouted, looking up in wide-eyed triumph.

"What?" said Radu.

"_Beer_?" said Kurt. "_Australian_ beer?"

"No," said Kimiko, "VB - Victoria Bitter - no, that's not coming out right. [6] Friend! Tolkien_slash list friend, VB, songvid. 'Shelter'!"

There was a collective bemused blink.

"Sarah Mc_Lachlan_," Kimiko attempted to explain. "'Shelter' will help me write." No-one seemed to understand, and she rolled her eyes. "It's a _song_."

"Oh," said Harlan. "You think that'll work?"

"It has to."

Within five minutes, Windows Media Player (minimised) was looping Victoria Bitter's Lord of the Rings songvid, "Shelter"; Kimiko was typing quickly, ever-increasing in speed, and periodically grinning to herself or shouting "Of course!"; and the Block was looking frightened for its nonlife, having shrunk to the size of a small chicken.

Soon it was gone outright.

"VB is a frelling _genius_," said Kimiko, eyes dancing as she wrapped up the HTML code and uploaded the chapter file to FF.net.

  
The End ^_~V

  
**Notes:**   
[1] They had duct-taped her to the chair and intended to keep her there until she finished the second chapter of "Unless You Dream of Me".

[2] What she didn't know at this point was that she would end up with an Egon muse anyway - Peter and Ray as well, in fact. Poor girl. She'd only seen one episode of Real Ghostbusters, at least that she could remember in any detail.

[3] J. L. Matthews' "Rules of Being a Successful Slytherin", #17: "Don't underestimate the benefits of Muggle technology - there's no magical substitute for a rocket launcher."

[4] And yes, they're really there. For inspiration, like those "Hang In There, Baby" posters you see in people's offices and stuff.

[5] Kimiko's computer is named 'Mione, as evidenced by the pretty blue-and-silver nametag in Lumos font affixed to the bottom left of the monitor. She briefly considered calling her Christa, but she was afraid her Thelma muse would get confused.

[6] Victoria Bitter is, in fact, the name of an Australian beer. When Kimiko was on the plane to Oz, a boy named Marsh informed her and her companions that VB was the best beer, then went on to helpfully suggest bars that didn't scrupulously card.

_This has been a Kimiko SillyFic. All feedback will be used to feed starving fan fiction and rebuild characters in need of renovation. Thank you for reading and good-night._


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